Do you understand what has happened to you?
Do you want to live this way?"
DAY 6: TWO THINGS YOU WANT
1. A PLACE OF MY OWN. All caps para intense at mas ma-emphasize. Hahaha! May pagaka-teritorial kasi ako. At naniniwala rin akong, ang kay RYAN, kay RYAN lang (at ang kay Pedro, kay RYAN pa rin. LOL) . Atsaka, napapa-paranoid ako kapag may ibang tao sa kwarto ko. Pakiramdam ko sobrang nababalasubas yung privacy ko. Pakiramdam ko may malalaman sila tungkol sa akin na hindi pa dapat mabunyag. Hahaha! Ang T.H. ko, diba? And besides, I don’t want my parents
walking barging in my room while I’m having the best time of my life— for the rest of my life. I don’t want a repeat of that incident, tama na yung isang beses lang. Diyosmiyo, Pulguso! Ngayon ko lang na-realise na I’M SCARRED FOR LIFE, kailangan ko na talaga ng sarili kong bahay! As in, now na! Charot!
2. Try Extreme + Combat Sports. Gusto kong magpaka-adventurous ngayon. Wala lang para kewl. Chos! Adventurous naman talaga akong tao— sa ibang larangan nga lang. Anyways, I want it to be different this time. I want to try cliff diving and muay thai (Oh-em! Barakong barako! Hahaha!). Aside fro those, bet ko ring subukan ang trekking
at poi dancing. Matagal ko na talagang gustong subukan ‘tong mga ‘to, yun nga lang bukod sa walang time at medyo takot pa kong mag-isa— puro sports na pang-chix yung trip nila dati. Yung isang tropa ko ambassadress ata ng badminton— eh wit ko feel (mas bet ko yung bed-minton escapades nya. Hahaha!). Tapos yung isa naman, p*tang-inang biking ang hobby— eh hindi ako marunong nun saka wala akong sense of balance, kaya ligwak din. So hopefully, kahit na lelembot-lembot pa rin ako hanggang ngayon nawa’y mas manag ang eagerness kong maging sporty. Para naman magawa ko na yang mga extreme sports na yan as soon as possible. GOOOOOOO!
May malaki talagang chance na mas matanda sa akin ang makakatuluyan ko. Yung mga Nanay or Lola ang datingan ng edad, ganyan. And there’s also a probability na isa sa mga parents yun ng tropa ko. Hahaha!
Dalang-dala sila sa outer shell ko— yung tatahi-tahimik, yung pa-inosente. Nakaka-flatter yun at one point, kasi kahit papaano pala, tuma-trustworthy pa ang aura ko (OH YES!), but on the other hand, nakaka-ilang at medyo nakaka-gago rin.
Si Mang Beloy (SLN) lang talaga ang nakakabasa sa akin. It only took one look for him to conclude and say na, "Ikaw bata ka, nasa loob ang kulo mo". And he was right. S’ya na talaga! LOL!
Yung, "Hindi ka na bumabata" speech ni Mama. Dahell! That was very disturbing on so many levels. Matino na naman ako eh— or so I thought. Hahaha! OK, susubukan kong pang bawasan ang pagiging dark and twisty ko (very Meridith Grey, I know). SUSUBUKAN KO LANG. SUBOK LANG! SUBOK!
Things I Promise Myself:
i. I promise to never tell someone the ending of a book or a movie unless they really ask for it. I don’t want to spoil the future by telling them what will happen, for most of the fun lies in the journey to getting there.
ii. I promise to never hate myself to the point where I will hold a razor blade in my right hand and a bottle of pills on the left. I will make sure that there is some kind of faint hope left in me. And I will spark the fire myself even when it burns out.
iii. I promise to never shed my skin for someone else. I will only do so when I am ready and when I want to.
iv. I promise to never love someone who only wants me on Friday and Saturday nights and never calls back on Sunday morning.
v. And I promise to never fill up the voids and empty spaces people left in others. I will make a home instead.
vi. I promise to never take my past experiences and place them as a burden on the future. I vow to make my decisions instead of letting bad experiences dictate my thoughts and feelings.
vii. I promise to continue to swim even when it feels like I am drowning. But I also promise to never swim towards the sharks or things and people that fool me into thinking they are lighthouses.
viii. I promise to be good to people even when they are not good to me. I will give them a smile even if they are murdering me with their eyes. And I will be compassionate, loving, nice, and genuine to the rest of the world even when it is only raining on me. I will still love the sky even when it storms.
ix. I promise to stop trying to control everything. Life is uncontrollable and that is a blessing, even when it does not seem like it at the moment. Soon, it will all fall into place and even if some things have no reason for happening, I will end up somewhere beautiful. And through it all, I will enjoy myself through the moments that make me bawl and the moments that make me laugh. It will all be worth remembering one day.
x. I promise to never give up on the beauty in life and the sincerity in people. Most importantly, I promise to never give up on myself. I acknowledge my worth and know my value, and therefore, I promise to let myself be happy.
— M.D.L, A Story A Day #177
Dilat pa rin ako. Natatakot akong matulog.
Ayaw ko kasi ng mga ganung panaginip. Wait— hindi pala panaginip yun, it was more like a nightmare. Sa panaginip ko kasi, I was indirectly talking to an entity— asking it not to scare/disturb us. And the next thing I know, paralyzed na yung katawan ko. May naramdaman din akong pressure sa upper limbs ko— parang nire-restrict para hindi ko ma-igalaw; may narinig rin akong matinis na tili that time. And then nagdasal ako ng "Our Father" and half way through, sinubukan kong igalaw yung lower extremities ko. Dun na ‘ko nagising.
Pero up until now, natatakot pa rin akong matulog. I had these kinds of nightmares naman na, pero ito na talaga yung pinaka-distressing. From the scale of 1 to P*tang-ina, nasa “T*ng-Ina-Fvck-Shit-24/7” yung takot ko, ganyan.
And about naman dun sa entity na nabanggit ko, alam ko namang meron dito sa amin— hindi lang naman ako yung nakakaramdam, pero as far as I know, aside from my Lola, ako palang yung sumubok na makipag-interact. I tried talking to it indirectly— yung parang sa isip ko lang. Lagi kong pinapaki-usapan na walang takutan, kung magpapa-feel man sya sana yung subtle lang. Pero da hell! Nakaka-stress na sya lately!
Ugh. I could use a cuddle buddy right now. Hihihi!
BOOM: At nakuha mo pa talagang humarot. NKKLK!